If a sudden irritation can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word—then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water—however suddenly jolted.
~ Amy Carmichael (1867 – 1951)
Sweetwater friends,
This is the first Sweetwater News since early July. What follows is a story of the events that pulled me away from Sweetwater for nearly two weeks. This story is deeply personal, but I have chosen to share it to the Sweetwater family for several reasons. Firstly, it had a tangible impact on my ability to attend to Sweetwater business. Secondly, the newsletter is also a means of communicating prayers and praises to those who know God and talk with Him in prayer, and the Pendergrasses have certainly needed prayer. Finally, I hope that if you are a follower of Christ you will find encouragement as you see the sovereign hand of God working through difficult circumstances and, if you are not a worshipper of Jesus Christ, that you will become jealous of the hope of the resurrection and eternal security that Christians enjoy.
On Tuesday, July 23rd, Krista went to our midwife’s home for a routine 16-wk neonatal checkup and no heartbeat could be detected. We immediately rushed to the nearest inexpensive sonogram center which was in Abilene, Texas, a 90-mile drive. There we saw the lifeless body of our child. No heartbeat. No movement. Based on anatomical measurements, our baby seems to have fallen asleep at around 14 weeks of age.
Many of you were aware of our pregnancy and were faithfully praying for us since June. In mid-July, your prayers and ours were being made on behalf of our child even when we didn’t know the child was dying. The Lord knows our needs before we ask, however, and I trust wholeheartedly that through your prayers God was preparing our family for what was coming and also preparing the hearts of those to whom I’ve had opportunity to proclaim the Gospel in answer to the question “How are you guys doing?”
With this in mind, I wanted to share the story of how God prepared our family to minister to Lindsey. She is just one of many souls we have been given opportunity to minister to through the death of our child.
At 8am on Tuesday morning, without knowing what was coming a few hours later, my spirit was on high alert. A deep sense of watchfulness preoccupied my mind. Following what I believe was the voice of our Shepherd, I read through the book of Ephesians and was particularly fixated on 6:18-20.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19 Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.
I had a sense that an opportunity to fearlessly proclaim the Gospel was coming that day but that it would, in fact, require steadfastness to proclaim it. I was at my office at 11am when I received the call from Krista that our midwife couldn’t hear a heartbeat. As we drove to Abilene with our four sons to learn whether or not our baby was alive or asleep, I had Finn (our 12-year old) read Ephesians to the family. I told them “Whatever news we receive, our first words will be words of worship.”
At 1:30pm we were greeted by Lindsey, our sonogram technician. She simply gave her name, asked a few basic questions about Krista’s pregnancy history, and got to work on the sonogram. She was very quiet. Almost as soon as the transponder touched Krista’s belly, it was clear to us the Lord had chosen to take the child He had entrusted to us for almost 4 months. With our boys huddled close in that dark sonogram room, we wept, we worshiped with prayer, we committed our covenant child into the Lord’s hands, we thanked Him for the hope of the resurrection, and we sang the doxology.
Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost! Amen.
Only God knows if Lindsey, whom we had met only minutes earlier and who kept a stoic expression throughout the event, was a believer. She did nothing to indicate she shared our faith or understood our worship mixed with mourning. It was the Spirit of God making Ephesians 6:19 alive in my soul earlier that morning Who strengthened me to lead my family in worship in that moment, declaring the reality of God’s sovereignty and the hope we have of the resurrection, without which there is no good news. Only He could have accomplished that.
Job had everything taken away from him, including seven sons and three daughters, until only his life remained – a life that was now full of horrific suffering. His words in Job 19:23-27 have often provided my soul relief.
23 “Oh that my words were written!
Oh that they were inscribed in a book!
24 Oh that with an iron pen and lead
they were engraved in the rock forever!
25 For I know that my Redeemer lives,
and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
26And after my skin has been thus destroyed,
yet in my flesh I shall see God,
27whom I shall see for myself,
and my eyes shall behold, and not another.
My heart faints within me!
Because Jesus lived the perfect life I could not, because He died on the cross in my place to satisfy the judgement of God for my sin, because He rose from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God, because I, my wife, and my children are sealed in the Holy Spirit for eternity, we enjoy a hope, peace, and security that transcends the profound pain of outliving our baby. The child who died was conceived by us, two parents who know Jesus and are inheritors by God’s undeserved grace of the promises of the covenant given to Abraham 4,000 years ago. Therefore, we confidently await the day when we will meet our precious little one, enjoying eternal rest together in the physical presence of Jesus. With my own eyes I will see my King and He will wipe every tear from those eyes.
If you have not repented (turned away from) your sin and know Jesus as the one and only God and Savior of your soul, it is impossible for you to know this comfort. There is only one name given under Heaven by which men can be saved: the Lord Jesus Christ (Acts 4:12). Hope is found in none other than Jesus.
As of the writing of this testimony, we are still in a holding pattern of grief and seeking the Lord’s mercy as we wait for Krista to birth our baby’s body. In the hope that Jesus might have chosen to give our child back to us, we took a second sonogram a week later but it only confirmed that our baby’s soul is, indeed, in paradise with God. When we receive our baby’s body, we will give him or her a proper burial.
A stomach virus hit our family two days after we learned of our baby’s passing. Then, a few days later, I was admitted to an urgent care clinic because of crushing chest pain that required evaluation because of symptoms similar to that of a heart attack. All heart tests came back negative. Needless to say, between the miscarriage, illness, and heart attack scare, we felt jackhammered during the last week of July.
God has provided richly for us through the faithful attention and practical help of the Body of Christ, locally and abroad. This account of our trials, with so many details, is not a plea for pity but an expression of gratitude for your care. You have walked this journey with us.
Krista and I are fatigued with grief. Our joy in the Lord doesn’t erase the pain, though it does transcend it. Please pray for my precious wife to endure the physical and emotional toll with strength. Pray that God will bring labor soon so that we can reach closure and bury our little one. Pray that I will not fail to proclaim the Gospel boldly as God opens doors because of this event.